Facing Our Childhood Traumas 💛

Oh, I'll share it with you.

When I was in the fourth grade, I woke up in the middle of the night on a family vacation and an older kid was on top of me.

All right.

And that had massive implications on my life.

When were we?

I was fourth grade and I was sound asleep, so I was in a safe space.

Wake up to an older kid on top of me who was fondling me.

Okay.

Can I unpack this for you a little bit?

Sure.

Are you open to it?

Oh, I'm so open to it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Here's a question I'm going to ask you.

Okay.

How did you feel when this happened?

I felt very confused and scared.

Confused and scared.

Good enough.

Who did you speak to about it?

No one.

Okay.

If something like this happened to one of your daughters, and if they didn't talk to you, how would you explain that?

I'd feel, how would I explain it?

I would explain it, and I'm about to go intellectual.

I personally, as the mother, would feel heartbroken.

I understand how you'd feel, but really I'm not asking how you'd feel.

I'm asking how you'd explain it.

Why wasn't my daughter talking to me about feeling scared and confused and violated?

She didn't feel safe talking to me.

That's the trauma.

The trauma began before that happened.

Because if he had been able to talk to your parents, and they would have said, this is awful, you must feel terrible, come here, let me hold you, and let's deal with the situation.

So the trauma is not only in what happened, it's that you were so alone when it happened.

And that aloneness was yours before this traumatic event ever occurred.

As a matter of fact,

Abusers can tell with almost laser-like accuracy who's defended and protected and who's not.

Who can be victimized and who cannot.

So that your primary traumatic event was not this event.

Not that this wasn't traumatic, of course it was hugely traumatic, but it became hugely traumatic because you were alone.

And that sense of lack of safety and lack of protection, that's the primary traumatic situation.

Of course, just makes me...

It makes me sad that I didn't know this sooner.

But I feel very grateful for your work.