HAZBIN HOTEL (PILOT)

At the end of the rainbow there's happiness And to find it how often I've tried But my life is a race, just a wild goose chase And my dreams have all been denied

Why have I always been a failure?

What can the reason be?

I wonder if the world's to blame I wonder if it could be me I'm always chasing rain

Watching clouds drifting by My schemes are just like all my dreams Ending in the sky Some fellows look and find the sunshine I always look and find

Some fellows make a winning sometime I never even make a game, believe me I'm always chasing rainbows

Huh?

Oh!

I'm alive!

I'm alive!

Thanks for the fun time, hot stuff.

Yeah, yeah, listen.

Keep this discreet, you hear me?

I can't let it get out I'm offering my services to randos on the street.

It was a quick cash grab.

You got it?

Whatever you say, slut.

Ouch!

Ooh, such an insult.

Let me know when you come up with something creative to call me, you sack of poorly packaged horse shit.

Tell the missus I said hi.

Schnuck him.

Back up.

Boom!

Yoink!

Hey!

Up yours, drag show!

Oh my god!

My drugs!

Dammit!

Those other cowardly sinners dare not hinder my territorial takeover!

A wise decision!

The power of my machines are unmatched!

No other demon can compare to the likes of I!

Gee, that was pretty swell, boss!

Yeah!

You really showed them what for!

I liked when you shot them with your ray gun.

I wish he'd shoot me with his ray gun.

At this rate, I will seize control of the entire west side of the pentagram by day's end.

And nothing, not a single beast in this inferno of suffering will be able to take back this empire from my constrictive grasp!

Oh!

Hell will be mine!

And everybody will know the name of Sir P- Death Ward!

Pardon?

Who said that?

What did you just say to me, you fried chicken fetuses?

Speak up!

That wasn't us, Mr. Boss Man.

Ah!

You looking for a fight, old man?

Why don't you get that tinker toy bullshit off my turf before I smash it.

More.

Oh, you want to go, missy?

Well, I'm happy to oblige.

Good afternoon, I'm Katie Killjoy.

And I'm Tom Trench.

Chaos out of Pentagram City today as a turf war is raging on the west side between notable kingpin Serpentius and self-proclaimed spunky powerhouse Cherry Bomb.

That's right, Tom.

After the recent extermination, many areas are now up for grabs.

Demons all over Hell are already duking it out to gain new territory.

Those two seem to really be going at it.

Looks like they're fighting tooth and nail for that hot spot.

And I'd sure like to nail her hot spot.

You are a lip dick, Jackass Tom.

Or should I say... No dick.

Coming up next, we have an exclusive interview with the daughter of hell's own head honcho, who's here to discuss her brand new passion project.

All that and more, after the break.

Suck it up, you little .

You remember what to say?

Yes, let's do this.

Just look at me and I'll mouth it to you.

Come on, Vaggie, I know what to say.

I just feel like we need to, I don't know, make things sound more exciting.

Oh, what if I sing a song about it?

You knew I was gonna say that.

Because I know you, but...

Please don't sing.

This is serious.

Well, you know, I'm better at expressing myself and my goals through song.

But life isn't a musical, hun.

Fine, but I have these other ideas of what to say.

The highlighted bits are the best parts.

Uh, it's all highlighted.

Is this a drawing?

Yes, that's the happy ending, see?

Everyone smiling and happy in heaven.

I don't think it's that simple.

Just please follow the talking points we went over.

And do not sing.

Okay, fine.

I'll just have to resort to my impeccable improv skills.

Hi, I'm Charlie.

Katie Killjoy.

I'd say it's a pleasure to meet you, but that would be a lie.

You can put that away.

I don't touch the gays.

I have standards.

Yeah?

How's that working out for you?

Look, my time is money, so I'll keep this short.

You're not here because we wanted you here.

You're here because Jeffrey couldn't make it for his cannibal cooking segment.

You might be some royal big shot, but that doesn't mean shit to me.

I'm too rich and too influential to give a flying fuck about what some text-swearing demon princess wants to advertise.

So don't get cute with me, honey, or I will fucking bury you.

And we're live.

Welcome back.

So, Charlotte.

It's Charlie.

Whatever.

Tell us about this new passion project you've been insistently posturing our news station about.

Well...

As most of you know, I was born here in Hell, and growing up I always tried to see the good in everything around me.

Hell is my home, and you are my people.

We... we just went through another extermination.

We lost so many souls, and it breaks my heart to see my people being slaughtered every year.

No one is even given a chance!

I can't stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to such violence.

So, I've been thinking.

Isn't there a more humane way to hinder overpopulation here in Hell?

Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls through...

Redemption?

Well, I think yes!

So that's what this project aims to achieve!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm opening the first of its kind!

A hotel that rehabilitates sinners!

You know, cause hotels are for people passing through... temporarily...

Is this girl for real?

She thinks... You hear what she thinks?

She... Ha ha!

Oh, she's nuts.

I figure it would serve a purpose.

A place to work towards protection.

Yay!

Stupid bitch.

Look, every single one of you has something good deep down inside.

I know you do.

Maybe I'm not getting through to you.

Oh, no.

I have a dream I'm here to tell About a wonderful, fantastic new hotel Yes, it's one of a kind Right here in hell Catering to a specific clientele

We can turn around, there'll be heaven found With just a little time down at the happy hotel So all you junkies, freaks, and widows Creepers, fuck-ups, crooks, and zeros And unborn superheroes, focus here All of you cretins, slobs, and losers Sexual deviants and boozers Imperskeps and drug abusers, eat the fear Forever good, we'll cure sick We'll make you well, you'll feel so small Right here in hell

No more screams Just puffy doll kisses And cotton candy dreams And puffy woofy gloves You're gonna be like WOW!

Once you check in

Wow.

That was shit.

What in the nine circles makes you think a single denizen of hell would give two sheets about becoming a better person?

You have no proof that this little experiment even works.

You want people to be good just because?

Well, we have a patron already who believes in our cause and he's shown incredible progress.

Oh?

And who might that be?

Just someone named... Angel Dust?

The porn star?

You fucking would, Tom.

In any case, that's not even an accomplishment.

I'm sure you can get that hooker to do anything with enough booger sugar and lube.

Oh, I beg to differ.

He's been behaved, clean, and out of trouble for two weeks now.

Breaking news!

We are receiving word that a new player has entered the ongoing turf war.

Let's go to the live feed.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit indeed!

It looks like the one who just joined the battle is none other than... Porn actor Angel Dust!

What a juicy coincidence!

You must feel really stupid right now.

Ratings!

Oh, look at this!

Well, it sure looks like your little project is dead on arrival.

Tell us, how does it feel to be such a total failure?

Yeah, well, how does it feel that I got your pen, huh?

Bitch!

Hey, thanks for the backup, Angie.

You kiddin'?

This is the best action I've seen in ages.

Where you been anyway?

I thought you up and died or some shit.

Oh, I wish.

I've been staying at this crappy hotel on the other side of town.

Some broads are letting me stay rent-free if I play nice.

You know, no fights, no pranks, no problematic language.

Our words, not mine.

These crazy bitches are no fun.

You've been clean for two weeks.

Holy shit.

Well, sort of clean.

As clean as you can get on a shitload of Bolivian marching powder.

Oh, harder, Daddy.

Son.

You whores have no class.

In war, the side remembered is the side with the most style.

Or the side that ain't dead.

Speaking of style, is your hat, like, alive or something?

Oh, well, that's none of your goddamn business.

Now is it?

Would that make your hat the top and you the bottom?

I'm going to blow you to bits!

Hmm, kinky.

Oh, not like that, pervert!

Not so cocky now, are we?

You know, you really gotta watch what comes out of your mouth.

I've been making these sex jokes the whole time, and it's obvious you ain't catching on.

I mean, it's just sex!

So think you're gonna get in a lot of trouble for this?

Eh, what's one little ball gonna cause?

Why won't anyone help me?

Glad you haven't changed.

You know you're my favorite guy to party with.

You know it, sugar tits.

You ready to finish this?

I'm ready, baby.

What?

What?

What?

What were you doing?

I owed my girl buddy a solid.

Isn't that a redeeming quality?

Helping friends with stuff?

Not with turf wars that result in territorial genocide.

Eh, you win some, you lose a few hundred.

It wasn't that bad anyway.

Come on, I had to.

My credibility was on the line.

I mean, what kind of reputation would I have if people found out I was trying to go clean?

It just throws out my entire persona.

Your credibility?

What about the hotels?

Your little stunt made us look like a fucking joke.

No, no, no, babe.

Jokes are funny.

I made you look sad and pathetic, like an orphan with no arms or legs.

With progeria!

Great, now I'm bummed thinking about it.

This thing have any liquor?

Can you please just try to take this seriously?

Fine, I'll try.

Just don't get your taco in a twist, baby.

Was that you trying to be sexist or racist?

Whatever pisses you off more.

Is there seriously no liquor in here?

I'm gonna kill him.

Too late, toots.

Wait, would that make me double dead?

Where exactly do I go?

To double hell?

Sorry.

You're stuck with me, bitch.

Get used to it.

Listen, who cares if some jagoffs got hurt?

Most of them are ugly freaks.

Look around.

Got a bunch of fucking harlequin babies down here.

You're one to talk.

Hey!

This body is flawless.

Everyone wants some of me.

And I got the creepy fan that is to prove it.

That was really uncool, you know, Angel.

Uncool?

After that train wreck, there is no way anyone is going to want to stay at the hotel.

All thanks to you and your selfish bullshit!

Does that mean I don't have a free room anymore?

Ah, well, shucks.

Hey, come on.

We don't know if things are over yet.

Try to relax, Vaggie.

It'll be okay.

It's probably a good idea to get some actual food in this place.

You know, to feed all the wayward souls you got in here.

Hey, Mom.

I know I keep calling, and you must be busy.

Really busy.

But the interview didn't go well, and I don't know if I'm going to make a difference.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I could really use some advice, mom.

I think dad was right about me.

Anyway, I'll stop talking before this gets long.

Love you, bye.

Hey, Vaggie?

What?

The radio demon is at the door.

What?

Uh, who?

What should I do?

Well, don't let him in.

May I speak now?

you may alistair pleasure to be meeting you sweetheart quite a pleasure excuse my sudden visit but i saw your fiasco on the picture show and i just couldn't resist what a performance why i haven't been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929 so many orphans stop right there i know your game

And I'm not gonna let you hurt anyone here, you pompous cheesy talk show shitlord!

Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here, I would have done so already.

Now I'm here because I want to help!

Say what now?

Help!

Hello!

Is this thing on?

Testing!

Testing!

Well, I heard you loud and clear.

Um, you want to help with...

This ridiculous thing you're trying to do.

This hotel.

I want to help you run it.

But...

What?

Why does anyone do anything?

Sheer absolute boredom!

I've lacked inspiration for decades.

My work became mundane, lacking focus.

Endless!

I've come to crave a new form of entertainment!

Ha ha ha!

Does getting into a fistfight with a reporter count as entertainment?

Ha ha ha!

It's the purest kind, my dear.

Reality!

True passion!

After all, the world is a stage, and the stage is a world of entertainment.

So, does this mean that you think it's possible to rehabilitate a demon?

Of course not!

That's wacky nonsense!

Redemption?

Oh, the non-existent humanity!

No, no, no, no.

I don't think there's anything left that could save such loathsome sinners.

The chance given was the life they lived before.

The punishment is this!

There is no undoing what is done.

So then, why do you want to help me if you don't believe in my cause?

Consider it an investment in ongoing entertainment for myself.

I want to watch the scum of the world struggle to climb up the hill of betterment, only to repeatedly trip and tumble down to the fiery pit of failure.

Right.

Yes, indeedy.

I see big things coming your way, and who better to help you than...

Uh, so, uh, what's the deal with Smiles over there?

Wait, you've never heard of him before?

You've been here longer than me.

The radio demon.

One of the most powerful beings hell has ever seen.

Eh, not big on politics.

Ugh.

Decades ago, Alistair manifested in Hell.

Seemingly overnight, he began to topple overlords who had been dominant for centuries.

That kind of raw power had never been harnessed by a mortal soul before.

Then, he broadcast his carnage all throughout Hell, just so everyone could witness his ability.

Sinners started calling him the Radio Demon.

As lazy as that is.

Many have speculated what unimaginable force enabled him to rival our world's most ancient and destructive evils.

But one thing's for sure.

He's an unpredictable source of danger, a wicked spirit of mystery, and a violent monster of chaos, the likes of which we can't risk getting involved with unless we want to end up erased.

You done?

He looks like a strawberry pimp.

Well, I don't trust him.

To be fair, do you trust any man?

Any men?

Men.

Charlie, listen to me.

You can't believe this creep.

He isn't just a happy face.

He's a dealmaker.

It's pure evil.

He can't be redeemed.

And is most likely looking for a way to destroy everything we're trying to do.

I...

We don't know that.

Look, I know he's bad, and I know he probably doesn't want to change.

But the whole point of this is to give people a chance.

To have faith things will be better.

How can I turn someone away?

I can't.

It goes against everything I'm trying to do.

Everything I believe in.

Just trust me.

I can take care of myself.

Charlie, whatever you do, do not make a deal with him.

Don't worry.

I picked up one thing from my dad.

You don't take shit from other demons.

Okay, so, Al, you're sketchy as fuck, and you clearly see what I'm trying to do here as a joke.

But I don't.

I think everyone deserves a chance to prove they can be better, so I'm taking your offer to help.

On the condition that there be no... trickster voodoo strings attached.

So it's a deal, then?

Nope, no shaking, no deals.

I...

As princess of hell and heir to the throne, I hereby order that you help with this hotel for as long as you desire.

Sound fair?

Fair enough.

Cool beans.

Smile, my dear!

You know you're never fully dressed without one.

So where is your hotel staff?

Uh, well... Oh, you're going to need more than that.

And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?

I can suck your dick.

Ha!

No.

Your loss.

Well, this just won't do.

I suppose I can cash in a few favors to liven things up.

This little darling is Nifty.

Hi, I'm Nifty.

It's nice to meet you.

It's been a while since I've made new friends.

Why are you all women?

Are there any men here?

I'm sorry, that's rude.

Oh, man, this place is filthy.

It really needs a lady's touch, which is weird because you're all ladies, no offense.

Oh, my gosh, this is awful.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

Ha, read them and weep, boys.

Oh, oh.

Oh, what the fuck is this?

You.

Ah, Husker, my good friend.

Glad you could make it.

Don't you Husker me, you son of a bitch.

I was about to win the whole damn pot.

Good to see you too.

What the hell do you want with me this time?

My friend, I am doing some charity work, so I took it upon myself to volunteer your services.

I hope that's okay.

Are you shitting me?

No, I don't think so.

You thought it would be some kind of big fucking riot just to pull me out of nowhere?

You think I'm some kind of fucking clown?

Maybe.

I ain't doing no fucking charity job.

Well, I figured you would be the perfect face to man the front desk of this fine establishment.

With your charming smile and welcoming energy, this job was made for you.

Don't worry, my friend.

I can make this more welcoming, if you wish.

What?

You think you can buy me with a wink and some cheap booze?

Well, you can.

Hey, hey!

No!

No bar!

No alcohol!

This is supposed to be a place that discourages sin!

Not some kind of... mouth... brothel... man cave!

Shut up!

Shut up!

We are keeping this.

Go fuck yourself.

Only if you watch me.

Oh my gosh!

Welcome to the happy hotel!

You are going to love it here!

I lost the ability to love years ago.

So, what do you think?

This is amazing!

It's okay.

This is going to be very entertaining!

You have a dream, you wish to tell And it's just laughable, but hey kid, what the hell?

Cause you're one of a kind, a charming demon bell Now let's give these burning fools a place to dwell Take it boys!

Inside of every demon is a lost cause But we'll dress them up for now with just a smile And we'll coronate them cesspools with some old redemption flair And show these simpletons some proper class and style Oh, here below the ground, I'm sure you'll plan a sound They'll spend a little time down at this has-been hall

Well, well, well.

Look who it is harboring the striped freak.

We meet yet again, Alastor.

Do I know you?

Oh, yes, you do.

And this time I have the element of surprise.

I'm so evil.

No!

What the?

Well, I'm starved.

Who wants some jambalaya?

My mother once showed me a wonderful recipe for jambalaya.

In fact, it nearly killed her.

You could say the kick was right out of hell.

Oh, I'm on a roll.

Yes, sir.

This is the start of some real changes down here.

The game is set.

Now, stay tuned.

Now will you shoot me with your ray gun?