Веселый калейдоскоп. Юмористические новеллы (1974)
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Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Listen, Petya, the accordion is a folk instrument.
He needs it with balalaikas.
And we have jazz.
Did you play the accordion?
No, why?
It's an instrument.
I won't go anywhere with it.
And on the drum, a hare can play in the circus.
Quiet, quiet.
Well, of course, he's right.
Who's right?
Who's right?
Calm down, calm down.
You're right.
That's it.
Listen, Oleg, he needs a separate solo number.
What?
Nothing.
From whom separately?
Calm down, Petya, calm down.
From whom separately?
Quiet!
Genka, you're right.
The repertoire still needs to be expanded, otherwise there is nothing to compete with.
The ensemble is needed.
Vocal.
That's just where to get it.
Well, with Petya, guys, the question is solved.
He takes you from our brigade.
That is?
Where?
Brigadier.
A new generation has arrived.
That's right.
Congratulations, Peter.
When?
Tomorrow.
Well, you made friends with me, Oleg.
Thank you.
I'll remember you forever.
What's the matter?
You don't know.
Don't pretend.
I don't know.
Did they cheat on me?
If they cheated on you...
Explain yourself.
Why did you leave?
Where is the brigade?
Oh, the brigade.
The brigade.
There it is.
Take a look.
And he's not happy yet.
Petro!
Petro!
What?
What?
Well, what?
What?
How are they?
I don't know, I didn't look at them.
Well, well, you didn't look at them, but they're rotting.
Guys, Stepan is right, as always.
What's the point?
They didn't appoint me.
Yes, Malinik.
Malinik, Malinik, Malinik, Malinik, Malinik.
Hey!
Love is a ring, and the ring has no beginning and no end.
I wanted to confess to her myself, but I couldn't find the words.
Just say I love her.
I've loved her from the start.
To say what's in my heart.
Just say I need her as roses need the rain.
Oh, my God.
Sergei Alekseevich!
Yes?
Sergei Alekseevich!
Listen!
Well?
This is the third day I've been in this brigade.
Well?
I'm not living, but I'm suffering.
I have no strength left.
Is it because they don't work well?
What do you mean, they don't work well?
Of course, they try.
What else do you want?
It's uncomfortable.
Everyone is laughing.
Well?
Guys, call me a cock.
Three villages, two villages, two villages, eight girls, one me, one me.
Guys, guys, we're not the same.
Here.
Three villages, two villages, two villages, eight girls, one me, one me.
Žil gore ne znal Ži otkuda vy na moju golovu svalilis?
Žto dělut' uma ne prilazhu?
Ži otkuda vy na moju golovu svalilis?
Ži otkuda vy na moju golovu svalilis?
Ži otkuda vy na moju golovu svalilis?
Ži otkuda vy na moju golovu svalilis?
It's so painful to give up The guys have become more and more La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la The guys have become more and more La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la The guys have become more and more They don't find an extra reason
Even on a date Even on a date
La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, даже на свидание Нелегко парням придется, крепко им достанется Тот, кто больно задается, холостым останется
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, La, la, la, la, la, la, la, La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, La, la, la, la, la, la, la, La, la, la, la, la, la, la, La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
Olya!
You are excellent, my dears!
Listen!
After all, we will set the Oleg's brigade!
We will set it, right?
Well, they have jazz, right?
And we have...
Here!
We will find an orchestra!
I have guys!
I have guys!
But only brothers!
Brothers!
Listen!
It's a secret.
Your name is Olya.
No, Valya.
It's me.
How did you know?
Is it that hard?
May I see you off?
If you're her, she's gone.
Thank you, Valya.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm at the rehearsal.
I'm late.
What rehearsal?
– You won't tell anyone?
– No.
Olya, we're looking for you.
I'll be right back.
Come on, faster!
Look, don't be late!
– Olga?
– Yes?
– We're late.
– I'll be right back.
Olya!
Well?
What?
What, what?
That's it.
That's it?
He took them somewhere again.
Where?
And I know.
And I know.
Where?
In the infirmary.
Come on, brothers, follow me.
There they are!
Follow me!
Wait!
Where are you going?
Go back!
There's a crazy trampoline there!
Look, girls!
We were told that no one has jumped from here yet!
It's beautiful.
They'll break apart, the crazy ones.
Newbies!
Gosha!
Stepan.
Vasily!
I wonder who's next?
Ruslan!
Where's Genka?
Gena!
Gena!
Gena!
Gena!
You're alive!
Gena!
Olya!
They don't find a reason to pay attention They come late, even on a date La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, even on a date
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, La, la, la, la, la, la, la, La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
Listen, Gena, you... Do you feel the rhythm or not?
What?
Nothing.
Again.
¶¶
If you are 13 years old and you have to call a girl from home, it can be very difficult.
A car drove over a dark forest for some interest.
Inti, inti, interest, go to letter S.
Hello.
Hello.
Who are you looking for?
Katya Sinitsna.
She lives here.
Here.
I need...
I wanted to take an exam in geometry.
Well, geometry class is a complete mess.
Mess?
Yes.
And Katya is not at home.
Not at home?
And where is she?
She went to the library.
I'm sorry.
So maybe we should pass something on?
No, no, thank you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Hi.
Hi.
What's up?
Nothing.
How long have you been here?
About three hours.
Have you seen any of our guys?
What's your name?
Knopik.
Knopik knows everything.
They dance in front of each other and look into each other's eyes.
If she does not see in his eyes...
According to the data, AB is 4.2 centimeters.
If he rejects her with his gaze in the whole village, then she pours her head into the ashes and with recitations is removed.
His main task is to show his strength in front of the whole class.
In front of the whole village.
What strength?
Physical strength, of course.
Like Yankee Ryzhikov.
He's a boxer.
I don't understand what she's saying.
He's a boxer.
Boxer.
Chizhevsky, Ryzhikov, to the ring.
Three.
Tell me only one word.
Only two words.
What helped you achieve such success?
She.
What can you say?
It's such a person, such a person.
Where did you meet him?
In our school, in this class.
What qualities attract you most in a champion?
Courage, determination, skill, and in general, he is a very strong person.
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
Well done!
To the board.
Well?
The great mathematician Lobachevsky believed that two parallel lines don't intersect.
But they do.
Really?
Yes.
In infinity.
Where were you the whole lesson?
Here.
What were we talking about?
We were talking...
Well, I'm listening to you.
A parallelepiped is such a flat figure.
Yes?
Yes.
But there are also such figures in volume.
Well, for example, a parallelogram.
In the form of a parallelogram, you can imagine our class.
It places boards, puppies,
You, Alexei Vasilyevich, have a chair.
But if you look at it on a global scale, it can accommodate oceans, countries, rivers, lakes, cities, parades, elevators, dogs.
Dogs.
Dogs.
What is it, Alexey Vasilievich?
It's a very voluminous figure.
And I'll give you a flat two.
Go.
Where are you going?
To your seat.
Maybe your friend, who, as you know, knows everything, will help us.
You were in the Knopikov class, weren't you?
Yes, Aleksey Vasilyevich, I'm always there.
Then tell us.
Yes, Cheshevsky was, of course, close to the truth.
But when the great mathematician Lobachevsky opened the parallelogram... Parallelogram...
I know it myself.
Parallelogram.
What-what?
But there are also other figures.
For example, trapezoids, cones, triangles.
But the best thing is a circle.
This is the most perfect figure.
Everything living belongs to figures.
So what?
Or a ball.
There are different balls.
Inflatable balls on big holidays.
Flying ones.
And the Earth is not a ball at all.
And what is it?
No, not quite a ball.
It's a little closer to the pole, like an egg.
Sit down.
But, Alexey, Alexey Vasilyevich, if the parallelogram is a figure...
Sit down.
So, the concepts of geometric figures are quite similar to Chezhevsky's.
Therefore, the evaluations will be the same.
Vitya, what's wrong with you?
She was looking at you with such eyes.
And she's laughing herself.
That's to attract attention.
But to attract attention, I don't know what they can do.
Of course, it would be necessary to explain directly.
But what would you think?
What would you think?
You need to explain in our school buffet.
But just now the pies were sweet with jam.
Why with jam?
What do you mean, why?
When she eats, she'll see you.
And her mouth will be sweet.
And then she'll see you.
And she won't eat the pie.
Her mouth will be sweet again.
It's a pleasant feeling, isn't it a joke?
I don't understand anything.
Some pies with jam.
Buffets.
And what are you doing here?
And what are you doing?
And I'm nothing.
And we're just like that.
Yes, yes.
Malinka, I know who they're waiting for.
By the way, has she been in the buffet for a long time?
With Genka Ryzhikov.
Right, Tanya?
Right.
Well, faster.
Vitya, wait.
One moment.
Wait, there's something more interesting.
Gena, are you going to the gym?
We've been waiting for you for half an hour.
Well, you'll have to wait some more.
Well?
Nothing.
Yes, nothing.
Do you want a pie?
Chezhevsky, by the way, doesn't eat at all.
How can he not eat at all?
He threw it away, and he can eat forever.
But why did he throw it away?
There's a reason, and you know it.
What could be the reason why a man doesn't eat?
Of course, I don't know.
A man can live without food for 21 days, and then he dies.
How does he die?
Stop it!
I eat all day, without breaks.
Here you go.
Here's Chezhevsky.
What?
Cabbage.
Damn it!
You ruined everything again.
This and that.
Now with cabbage.
Vitya, here's an idea.
My uncle works as a tuner.
He tunes all kinds of musical instruments.
He's been with artists, musicians, singers all his life.
He knows everything.
Well, young people,
Boris Vladimirovich, one person needs to be explained in love.
In love?
He has such a role.
Yes.
In self-employment.
Well, well.
And in general, how are ladies explained?
Ladies.
Well, you know, I've seen many artists both at rehearsals and at performances.
Usually...
Bolshei artisty stanoyetsya na odno koleno, protyagovayut ruku, i govoryat, predlogayut tebe, vot etu ruku, sertsya.
I offer you my hand and my heart, senorita.
No.
You don't need it.
What?
On your knee.
Just say, I offer you my hand.
And that's it.
And my heart?
Well, your heart, if you want.
And I also read poems and sing romances.
This gives an additional color to the image of the lover, adjusts the subject to the lyrical tune.
Here is an example.
That's it!
I heard it!
Or, for example... Or, for example...
It's a very... ...many-significant romance.
That's right!
Start.
Vitya, can you imagine?
The sea, the fog, and the lonely sail.
What?
What is he looking for?
What is he looking for in a distant land?
What is he looking for?
I won't sing anymore.
And don't come to me with your romances.
Vitya, don't be angry.
But I understand.
First of all, for the first time, this is a difficult romance.
And secondly, no one has absolute hearing.
It would be better, of course... You know what?
Here, here it is.
Where can I get such a song?
Where can I get such a song?
What is this?
Come on, get out of here!
MUSIC PLAYS
That's why the whole poem is dedicated to three days.
The hero was free for three days.
Go on.
But it was real freedom, real life.
But even more vividly, these thoughts are expressed in the poem Demon.
In this poem Lermontov showed his own attitude to the secular society, to lies, to deception, to the injustice that surrounded the poet everywhere.
Well done, Vitya, you understood well how personal the poet's life is connected with his work.
But the poem Demon... Julia Pavlovna, it's not even about the poem Demon.
The fact is that during the life of Lermontov, there was a legend about demonism.
The higher world considered him inhumane, gloomy.
And so in his poem Lermontov told about such a tormented soul, about such an amazing love, which was inherent only to the poet himself.
Katya, Katya, stop having fun.
You are not alone in the class.
If you know everything, let others listen.
Excuse me, please.
Well, guys, is it interesting?
Or maybe it's enough?
It's not enough.
Go on.
Turgenev was impressed by the appearance of the famous hussar, as Lermontov was called at the time.
He wrote after Turgenev, because Lermontov was suffocating in the atmosphere in which he was.
He, like a demon, like Mtsiri in his monastery, longed for real life, full of anxiety, passions.
Real life is a struggle, freedom, truth.
Alexander Blok, for example, characterizes Lermontov's work.
He wrote, somewhere in the mountains, and to this day, there is a motionless demon, scattered from rock to rock,
in the magical lily world.
Very good, Vitya.
That's enough.
Yulia Pavlovna, it's not enough.
Let him speak.
No need.
Let him speak.
It's not enough, Yulia Pavlovna.
What are you talking about?
I'm a fool, Oleg.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm a fool.
I'm
When?
Vitya, go to your seat.
When the poet's soul can't bear the shame of petty offences.
There's another way.
What other way?
A duel.
A duel?
What are you talking about?
No, not in the literal sense, of course.
Neither on the pistols, nor on the swords, but, so to speak, a duel of thoughts of different intellects.
You'll win here, no matter what you do.
Play ping-pong with her.
What are you talking about?
Vitya, I know their psychology.
You meet her at the tennis table, and she'll see who's who.
I've never held a racket in my hands.
How many times have I told you that it's not about tennis, but about intellect?
Well, that's it.
Stop fooling around.
How do I fool around?
Like this.
You either have poems, or songs, or romance, or explain everything in a buffet.
Well, who explains in a buffet, huh?
Or during a ping-pong game?
I know their psychology.
I know this, I know that.
You don't know a damn thing!
Well, well, tell me, tell me, huh?
Well, why do I need a pie with jam, huh?
I explained it for a sense of responsibility!
Ah, you're here again?
Come on, get out of here.
Looking at you, my hands are itching.
You're embarrassing me.
Who, me?
Yes, you.
You know, if you weren't my friend, I would... Would what?
I would... Give it to me.
Give it to me.
No, I'm not going to beat you.
I'm leaving you.
Me too.
I tried for you, maybe.
Oh, you!
Hello, Vitya.
Hello, Katya.
Are you here for the check?
No, I'm here for you.
Wait, I'll get the bag.
Shall we go?
Did you really quit eating?
No.
Eat, please.
I'm eating.
It's all Knopik's doing.
Actually, I wanted to tell you something else.
What is it?
We almost had a fight today.
Why?
Well, it happens.
But he's still my best friend.
I know.
¶¶
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Are you busy, Daddy?
I said are you busy?
Now nothing will happen to them until you put them under the tram.
Vishnevskaya, 35th on the platform.
Vital Tarasovich, jeans for Kolya.
Kolya, two wheels for Zhiguli.
Shishkin, two wheels.
No, it's too simple.
Who needs a kitchen combine, a camera, an anti-aircraft gun?
All right, all right.
Stop.
Jeans for Kolya.
One.
Well?
A ball and a Buran.
A vacuum cleaner for Nikolai Petrovich.
Dear customers, we produce various household appliances that make it easier to work and save time at home.
Electric vacuum cleaners ERA, URA, Mini-Vita, Chaika, Saturn... What?
Nikolai Petrovich's ticket.
What ticket?
It's free.
So, I, Kolya, the camera of the Zenit-3, he is her headlamp, and the details are for me, Vital Tarasov.
And to whom is the trip?
Hey, where are you going?
You!
Cowboy!
Found yourself!
And in general!
Simulator!
And who wants a ticket?
Yes.
Is he treating me?
No.
Does he feed you well?
It's wonderful.
Wonderful.
Thank you, wonderful.
Does he pretend to be sick?
Yes.
It's calm.
It's calm, I say.
Yes.
Yes, I understand.
And how, for example?
Well, head to the side.
Well, yes, the violin is removed, the head is left.
Like this, yes?
I'll do it.
Thank you, Nikolai Petrovich.
I'll do it.
I'll kiss you.
Stand up, please.
And try to turn your head to the right.
Well, try, try.
What are you?
Well, what?
You can't, right?
I can't.
Psychomotor state.
That's what I thought.
In my practice, this is the first case.
In mine too.
What?
You mean psychomotor?
Yes.
People don't take care of themselves.
Young people are nervous.
Yes, that's true.
Oh, I haven't put a stamp on you yet.
This one?
Yes.
No, not here, but here.
And the sanatorium is excellent there.
I know.
Well, Vladimir Petrovich, have you seen our new guy?
Not yet.
What's the matter with him?
I understand that you are more concerned about the exams.
Yes.
Who is helping him to prepare?
Valya?
No, Zinochka.
No, seriously, Nero Sergeevich, what's the matter with him?
Kachkin is his last name.
Here he is, himself.
That's right.
The same cowboy-simulator?
Is he your friend?
Not yet.
But, so to speak, we'll see how he is.
Here you are.
You have to ask him to leave, but without any of your tricks.
And that's it.
And that's it?
You probably feel sorry for him.
Do what you want, just fire me from the team.
Yuri Sergeyevich, he won't believe me alone, and you don't have to do anything.
You just sit and nod, look and nod, or whatever.
Give him at least a lunch, he's on the way.
Spaghetti, in Italian.
They reach a length of 6-7 meters.
But they think they can't do it.
What do I do?
I take a fork.
Like this, like this, like this.
And in order.
Well, they, of course, bravo, bravissimo, company Kachkin, all the business, drink, snack.
Urgently to the chief doctor.
Urgently to the chief doctor.
Yuri Sergeevich, let me, so to speak, examine him.
What?
I'll examine him.
Well, let's, but faster.
I'm very fast.
No.
What?
Difficult syndrome.
You think you can't cure it?
I'm healthy!
It seems to you that Kuchkin is sick.
Kachkin, Kachkin, Kachkin!
It doesn't matter, absolutely doesn't matter.
In a week or a month you would be caught.
Who?
Convulsions and that's it.
You are right, Yuri Sergeevich.
Well, there is only one way out.
Treatment of hunger and this, how is it, well, yes, and glutathione at the same time.
Like this.
Peace.
Peace.
And one more time.
How do you say it?
Hunger.
What?
That's right.
And peace.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Spaatj.
Spaatj.
Spaatj.
Well, Nikolai Petrovich, you've made a good trip.
Mm-hmm.
Have you taken care of all the patients, Zinochka?
Yes, Yuri Sergeevich, everything is fine.
We had lunch, everyone is asleep.
Only Kachkin, who came before lunch, I took him to you.
He is not here.
This is Vladimir Petrovich, my friend.
Where's Kachkin?
Did you send him?
Yes.
No, Yuri Sergeyevich.
He's with me.
In this, like, his isolation room.
Sleeping.
Sleeping?
Yes, I put him to sleep.
And it happened?
Simply.
How else?
Like a baby.
Sleeping.
Treatment of hunger.
You can only drink mineral water.
Borgia.
Syndrome.
Narzan.
Tarzan!
Whoa, whoa!
And then, all the nervous... Oh!
What is it?
Oh, something flew into the window of the insulator, something like that.
What?
Something like that.
Is it like his?
Kachkin?
Kachkin!
The other one stretches her throat like this.
The nostrils are burning.
The teeth are burning.
The hands are burning.
Calm down, calm down.
And the nerves, oh my God.
Please calm down.
What's wrong with you?
Tell me quickly, why are you silent?
Tell me quickly, what happened?
Hallucinations.
Kachkin!
What is it?
So to speak, the situation.
We'll be right back.
Strass.
I've... ...killed you!
Thank you.
What, did you catch it?
Hold it.
I won't take it.
Hold it, or I'll throw it.
Let's have lunch.
Will you put the food in the simulant?
I won't put it.
Yes, what's the matter?
Aren't you cold?
Here it is.
Who is it?
Yes.
Where did you get the ticket from?
This is Nikolai Petrovich.
Nikolai Petrovich, yes.
What's your last name?
Don't be in a hurry.
What's your last name?
I see.
I won't do it again.
Yuri Sergeyevich!
Here.
Sign it, please.
That's it.
Send it to Kachkin.
Well, did you treat him?
You know, he turned out to be not such a bad guy.
I'm glad for you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
But you should see your patient.
And this is, so to speak, like his, certainly.
Yes?
Now nothing will happen to them if you don't put them under the tram.
I won't put them under the tram.
Thank you very much.
Brits, those same three pieces from Nikolai Petrovich.
That's all.
конец конец конец конец конец конец конец конец
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