Eddie Murphy about men and woman

You know, because I'm used to American women saying, you don't own me.

Hey, baby, where you going?

Excuse me?

I said, where you going?

You don't own me.

You my woman, ain't you?

I don't see no rings on these fingers.

Are you going to put a ring on this finger?

Well, I will, I will, I will.

Then you don't owe me in, okay?

First of all, let me tell you something.

I don't give a fuck who you are or what you have, okay?

You got a whole lot of nerve to come inside here and ask me where I'm going.

I come and go as I please.

I don't answer my father.

I ain't going to answer no man either.

Ain't no man going to tell me where I can go.

I come and go.

You got a whole lot of motherfucking nerve.

Who the hell do you think you are anyway?

Come and ask me where I'm going.

Nobody owns me.

I own myself.

I'm my own person.

And we hear all that shit.

Okay.

Where you going to be?

I'm going to be where I'm at.

You don't own me.

You got to be careful.

You got to have a J-O-B in the 80s.

You got to have some money.

You got to have some money.

You can't get no pussy.

Listen to the radio.

That's what it's about.

Listen to Madonna.

I'm a material girl in a material world.

You ain't got no money.

You can't have no pussy.

Basically what it is, there's a song out now called Got to Have a J-O-B If You Want to Be With Me.

And the lyrics go, ain't nothing going on but the rent.

Like if you went up and said, hey, babe, what's going on?

The rent, motherfucker.

Do you have a job?

Well, I will get the fuck out of my face.

Got to have some money.

Says, no romance without finance.

And women love them songs.

Got to have a job.

Janet Jackson got a hit record, What Have You Done For Me Lately.

That's what they've been thinking.

What have you done for me lately?

The record start off like that.

I know he used to do shit for you, but what has he done for you lately?

Baby, I love you.

What have you done for me lately?

You're the only thing on my mind.

What have you done for me lately?

We make good love.

What have you done for me lately?

They can figure us out.

Guys, don't get trapped.

We call them pussy traps.

Let's call them pussy traps.

It's a trap.

They trap you with the pussy.

They catch you with the pussy.

That's what they do to you.

It's a trap.

The most common trap is to not give you any, though.

Don't think, like, maybe, you know, you're going to put a trap on.

The most common is when you ain't getting any at all.

That's the trap.

When you meet a woman and everything is perfect and she won't do anything, it's a trap.

Sometimes it backfires because a lot of women play these games with sex.

And ladies like sex just as much as we do, guys.

But they act like they don't.

But they do.

It's not a woman.

It's not a woman in this room right now.

I wouldn't rather be somewhere else with a nice stiff one in them.

Don't let them fool you.

They're like, it's just as much as us.

See a lady sitting there going, that's true.

He's funny, but he's not that funny.

I'll take a dick over a smile in a day.

Yes, I will.

They like it just as much as us, but they play these games.

See, you know where it backfires on you, ladies?

When you go meet a guy, and he wants you, you want him, and you like each other, and everything is perfect, but you won't do anything.

You say, baby, let's go.

You say, no, I'm not going to do it.

And after that, he don't like you no more, but he still wants to fuck you.

So he waits.

People are like, okay, I'll wait.

Good night.

And you wait.

You wait three months.

Then you finally get it and she's like this, I'm yours.

And you go, fuck you, bitch.

Fuck you and your pussy.

Get the fuck out of my face.

I'll tell you why all men fool around.

Why?

Because men fool around because of this.

And look at all the women in the audience right now looking up here like this.

We fool around because we figured women out.

We did.

See, a lot of you ladies are going, what does he mean he figured this out?

And dumb niggas are going, yeah, what does he mean he figured this out?

We figured you out in this sense, and this is true.

And anybody that's ever done this, anybody will agree.

Anybody that's ever done this will agree what I'm going to say.

Any woman that's ever had this done to her will agree what I'm going to say.

And those of you who've never done this will sit there and go, I disagree.

But once you make a woman...

Come real hard.

Once you make a woman say, no matter how bad you fuck up, no matter what you do wrong, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, as long as you say, I'm sorry, she will listen to your story.

And that's the truth.

That's the God's honest truth.

It ends the truth.

Stop it.

It's the truth.

It's the truth.

And ladies, as soon as we all make that noise, man, your relationship will change with your man.

Because we know.

We wait on that noise.

We be waiting on it.

Because we know we can act different.

As soon as you go, we know we can act a fool in.

Remember when your man couldn't make it, he would call?

No more of that shit.

He heard you go, remember he wanted to spend all his free time with you?

No more of that.

Because you made that noise.

Your man can act crazy.

We know.

As soon as you go, our face is in the pillow like this.

I got this motherfucker now, man.

And then you start talking to her.

Who's pussy is this?

Who's pussy is this?

And your relationship changes from that moment.

The woman's sitting on the bed, her legs shaking, going, oh my God, oh, I can't believe it.

I never came like that before.

Oh my God, I can't believe it.

And your man get real cold on you, say some shit like, why don't you shake your ass home?

What are you talking about?

Why are you treating me like this?

We have a relationship.

You don't own me.

What do you mean I don't own you?

We have a relationship.

I thought that we'd go together.

I don't see no rings on your finger.

But I love you!

What have you done for me lately?

Don't you think for two seconds that if you keep breaking this woman's heart and keep fucking her over, your sweet, innocent, little, sweet, loving, darling woman, she eventually will go out and fuck someone else.

Don't think she won't.

Don't think she won't.

Look at all the men's faces.

They're like this now.

Men don't like to picture their woman fucking nobody.

That's taboo.

Like, watch the guy's faces.

Ladies, look at him.

Guys, picture your woman fucking your best friend.

Look at him.

Hey, your woman is like this.

Hmm.

I tell you, be careful.

And women ain't like us.

It's not their nature to fool around.

And it's like, we'll go out and sneak out to the hotel and have to wash your dick in the sink and all that shit.

Women, women gonna do it classy.

They don't fuck around like us.

They gonna do it classy.

It's like, hey, I don't do this often.

I'm gonna do it right.

You know when your woman's gonna fool around?

When you keep messing her over, then eventually she says some shit like this.

Uh, you know, I think I'm gonna go to the Bahamas by myself for the weekend.

And you say, you want me to go with you?

You don't know.

Just me and my girlfriends are going.

Me and my friend.

And we so stupid, we start thinking about all the pussy we can get while she gone.

You gonna go by yourself?

Yeah.

Okay.

Crying and all of a sudden a dude named Dexter walks up.

Dexter St. Jock.

He walk up swinging his dick.

You need to do that smooth Bahamian shit on your woman.

What a beautiful girl like you doing by herself on the island of love.

This is the island for lovers.

You should be being held right now, girl.

What you crying about?

I have some problems with my boyfriend, so I came down here to think it over.

But tell me what hotel that your man staying in.

You go over there and tell him that you treat a woman like you're like a princess.

A pure white woman that make love to you constantly.

What hotel this man staying in?

Well, he's back in New York.

Is that right?

Well, listen, girl, won't you come back around my place?

We sit down and talk it over.

All we're going to do is talk?

Take your woman to his house and roll one of them big-ass Bahama joints.

Shit this big and shit.

Put some of that Bob Marley music on.

Y'all know Bob be preaching.

Don't let him fool you, oh no.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Or even try to school you, oh yeah.

Could this be love?

Then be love.

Dick, swing it.

Next thing you know, Dexter is fucking your woman.

Well.

Send your woman home floating on air.

Walk through the door like this.

I shot the sheriff.

And we so stupid, we think it was the weather.

We be going, hey, baby, you need to get away more often.

She be like this.

Uh-huh.